The average woman needs 45 minutes of warm-up time (aka foreplay) before she’s ready for penetration.

Most people don’t realize this. Therefore, many women have been penetrated LONG before they were actually ready, which results in vaginas that begin to numb out or shut down.

Typically people call this 45 minutes “foreplay.”

But I want to talk about how the whole idea of warm-up (foreplay or “pre-play” as I called it) actually holds us back.

Instead of foreplay, we need sexytime.

You see, foreplay makes it seem as if there’s a goal, which is penetrative sex. It’s like all this effort is put into getting us to an ULTIMATE PURPOSE of penetration and orgasm (which is a RIDICULOUSLY heteronormative definition of sex). Wanting that to be the ultimate goal puts a lot of pressure on on all parties involved, and takes the excitement out of the actual present experience happening.

My partner and I struggle in the sexual department (as you know if you follow this account closely). And some of it is directly centralized around this exact issue.

I need a lot of warm-up time, WITHOUT expectation and pressure for it to go somewhere. My flower needs time to open and blossom. She needs to feel safe and like she has everything she needs: sunshine, water and praise.

The other day I got home late and climbed into bed after my partner was already asleep. I began messing around with him in his groggy sleep. I felt totally turned on and excited, and I recognized it was because penetration wasn’t being implied or expected. I was initiating something playful and fun. And in his half sleepy state, he reciprocated.

Some may say we didn’t have sex.

Which, by the heteronormative definition of sex, we didn’t.

But really… sex isn’t about penetration. A woman can squirt simply from having her breasts played with or her toes sucked. Penetration can actually be a very MINOR aspect of sex. We shouldn’t act ashamed for loving foreplay, as if it’s somehow not part of the whole sexual experience, when ultimately foreplay IS the sexual experience.

Often when I’m self-pleasuring, the goal isn’t orgasm. In fact, I’d say about 75% of the time I don’t even orgasm. Rather, it’s about sexytime with me: getting in touch with myself, loving myself and praising my gorgeous flower’s natural beauty.